Costa Rica

I’m leaving Costa Rica in approx. 5 days and I feel like I need to do some reflecting. It’s incredible how much faster these 4 months have gone than the 4 months I spent in Jordan. I think this is because in Jordan we were there two weeks before the kids even arrived on campus and in Costa Rica we hit the ground running. My two experiences have been so different it’s almost impossible to compare them. But here goes: I feel like I learned more in Jordan, not only about the Middle East but also about my myself. But I feel like I have learned more about teaching and the possible direction of my future career in Costa Rica. I’m not sure I’m cut out to be a teacher. I thought that taking a gap year would help me decide what I wanted to devote the rest of my life to. But I think I’m even more confused than when I took off to Jordan in August. I hated my job in Jordan. But I think that was just because I was working for a passive aggressive bitch. Because I liked the kids and I liked teaching them. I’ve been teaching fourth graders in Costa Rica. And I love my kids. All 20 of them. They are so cute and being part of their lives has been an incredible experience that I will cherish forever. (cheesy and cliché but true) But I always thought that teaching was a job with little monotony and that’s part of the reason it intrigued me so much. Doing the same thing day after day for a career might be the end of me. But I think it’s just the same as any other job. The same kids misbehaving everyday, the same curriculum every day. The same schedule. Repeating yourself constantly. The lack of problem solving skills fourth graders have is ridiculous… (“I don’t have a pencil.” THEN GET A PENCIL!!!! Honestly?!?!?!) And as much as I love my kids I don’t think they take me very seriously. I know they love me and will miss me, that’s clear to me. But I don’t like yelling or scolding. And they know that.  Maybe part of that is working under another teacher and not being able to completely run my own classroom but I think part of it is my own personality. I don’t know if teaching is the right career for me.

I’d really like to come back and visit these kids. They keep asking when I’m leaving. They say things like, “but you’ll be with us in 5^th grade, right?” and telling them no is almost heartbreaking. “But you’ll come back and visit us right??” I’d really love to. I’d love nothing more than coming back every year and seeing my kids grow up and mature into the young adults that I know they have the potential to be. But how realistic is that? Would I rather spend the money going somewhere new? And meeting new people? But the thought of not seeing these kids ever again is enough to break my heart and make my eyes fill with tears.